Please Don't Spank or Slap Your Children
My brother Wally, age 3, and me, age 10
My brother Wally, age 3, and me, age 10
My reaction to a Reuters story today [or read it here] was Well, of
course! But then I realized that a lot of Americans might see things
differently. Those are the 90% of Americans who, according to the
American Academy of Family Physicians, think that spanking is an
appropriate method for disciplining children.
As someone who was slapped across the face, spanked on the buttocks
with a hand, and whipped on the buttocks with leather belts as a
child, I'm appalled that any percentage of Americans believes that
children should be spanked. The story from Reuters says that spanking
can fuel aggression and anxiety in children and can cause other
behavior problems:
Children who are spanked when they misbehave are more likely to be
anxious and aggressive than children who are disciplined in
nonphysical ways, research shows. This is true even if spanking is
the "cultural norm."
Whether parents should spank their children or use other forms of
physical discipline is controversial. Some experts argue that
children should not be spanked when they act out, citing evidence
that it leads to more, rather than fewer, behavior problems and it
could escalate into physical abuse. There are data to support this
argument.
Anxiety? Well, of course. But they left out other effects: low
self-esteem, fear of adults, a sense of powerlessness, destroyed
parent-child relationships, social difficulties in childhood,
difficulty forming normal intimate relationships in adulthood, and the
potential to pass this destructive way of relating on to future
generations.
My brother and sister and I all have major psychic scars from the
physical and emotional abuse our parents meted out. I'm on my second
marriage (I had self-esteem too poor to allow me to pick someone the
first time around who was good for me), my sister's on her third
marriage, and my brother (who had the added burden of being gay in a
homophobic family) has a hard time seeing himself as worthy of
anyone's love.
I remember being 7 years old and being on vacation at my maternal
grandparents' home with my siblings and parents, and watching as my
father slapped my infant brother's thighs, as my brother lay crying in
an infant seat, and then said, "I'll give you something to cry about."
What kind of person slaps a child, much less one younger than a year
old?
Years of abuse like that are why, when my first marriage ended and I
had a chance to take back my birth surname, I decided to instead take
the surname O'Moore, the birth name of my maternal grandmother, a
sweet woman who had never hit me. I did not want to be associated by
name with people who hit children--with the people who had hit me.
What are you teaching your children when you hit them?
* That it's okay to hit someone smaller and weaker than they are
* That their feelings don't matter
* That their bodies are not their own
* That adults can't control their own anger
* That love equals hitting
* That adults aren't to be trusted; one time they'll show affection,
and the next time they'll hit
Are those the lessons you really want them to learn? Do you want them
to grow up harboring vast stores of anger toward--and even hatred
for--you? Do you want to contribute to American society's tendency to
violence?
There are ways to teach children good behavior and self-control that
don't involve hitting:
1. The goal of discipline is to teach children acceptable behavior.
Whenever possible, teach children what you want to see rather than
punishing them.
2. View children's misbehavior as a mistake in judgment. It will be
easier to think of ways to teach more acceptable behavior.
3. Never hit or shake infants. They do not know right and wrong. They
do not misbehave on purpose. They need love and protection, not
punishment.
4. Create a safe environment for children. Baby-proof the house.
Distract or remove infants and toddlers when they are doing
something they shouldn't be doing.
5. Provide order and consistency. Whenever possible have regular
times for meals, studying and bedtime.
6. Give toddlers and preschoolers age-appropriate choices and
consequences.
7. Establish family rules that are appropriate for children's ages.
Keep them few in number with clear and reasonable consequences for
not obeying.
8. Develop a trusting relationship with children by protecting them
from harm, by being honest and trustworthy, and by exhibiting
predictable and mature behavior.
9. Children need to hear more good things about themselves than bad
things. Offer praise for appropriate behavior. Praise will
increase that behavior.
10. Adopt a "no-hitting" attitude. No one has a right to hit anyone
else in the household ... that includes hitting children for
misbehavior.
Please stop using violence against your children. They will be more
whole people, and the world will be a better place. Thank you.
Take 2
spanking corporal punishment violence children parenting discipline
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